It doesn’t matter which star sold the lines, or that they were said last year. We’ve heard them all before. Seasoned moms aren’t buying it, but teenagers might be. We love to see you at your best and healthiest, celebrity – sisters, but if you’re going to talk about your fitness, at least be honest about personal trainers, personal home gyms, and a drastic slash in carbohydrate intake.

1. “I don’t deprive myself of things I want.” You don’t? I do. Handcut fries, white queso dip, Mexican Coke, sausage balls when it’s not Christmas. Don’t lie to us. Of course you deprive. Otherwise, your waist wouldn’t be, you know, so very, very small. Tell us what you eat: a grapefruit for breakfast, maybe an egg for lunch. So we know. And you at least make sense.

2. “I just keep up with my kids.” So do I. So do millions of other moms. Without a nanny or a housekeeper or a personal assistant. Running, yelling, dirt-hill-climbing, stick-fighting, princess-playing, Lego-building kids. My lower tummy feels like a wad of dough, and my thighs still need just the right denim wash to camouflage their buoyancy. If just keeping up with kids was all it took to look that svelte – or starved – moms everywhere would be shopping for odd-numbered clothing. As it turns out, we’re not.

3. “I really have no idea how I keep losing weight.” So said Rihanna, according to US Weekly. Yeah, okay. Take it from me, girl. You should know your body better than that. Unexplained weight-loss? Go see your doctor, or stop lying to your fans. Young girls are listening. And watching.

4. “It’s just daily small steps.” Um-hum. Daily small steps amounts to good, healthy weight loss over time. Drastic weight loss in a few months, resulting size 0 clothes hanging off a skeletal body is the result of something drastic. And unhealthy.

stock.xchng photo by african fi

The iPhone 5 was my first, I mean my VERY first phone with photos and texting and the internet. Though my girlfriends chided me for my lack of technological advancement, I held out to the bitter end.

Now, I’m no techy expert. For technology trends, go see Evolved Mommy. For real blogging & website assistance? Follow Blogging With Amy.

But I still have a VCR  and a landline phone, so my perspective isn’t one you’ll hear every day. What I’ve discovered about this ridiculous little contraption:

1. Up until now, I have saved quite a bit of money.

2. Best feature so far: I can make a grocery list, and never, ever leave it at home. Bonus: I can send it to my husband, who can go shopping on his way home.

3. Taking photos, and sharing them, is waaay too easy. I’m in danger of becoming one of those parents who over-shares their children’s cute moments/accomplishments/faces full of pasta sauce on Facebook. Sorry.

4. Being able to answer emails in the car line at my son’s school is the greatest thing in the world. Yay for productivity and time management.

5. Texting is cool and all, but fiddling with all those little buttons makes me feel like an old person.

6. I’m really glad for the little spell-check text feature that changes, “mert” to “meet.”

7. On the other hand, it can change the word “friend” to “grieve,” so I still have to proofread.

8. iTunes is better than a mixtape. I’m old enough to remember those. Are you?

9. On that note, iTunes is probably where I’m going to lose my life savings.

10. Siri isn’t all that impressive. She won’t obey commands to cook supper, fold laundry, or sort mail. Seriously, that chick needs to take on some chores.

11. The best tech support for a smartphone? Tweens. Those 14, 13, 11-year-olds are better than an online tutorial, and handier than an app.

What’s the best thing for you about your phone? 

stock xchng photo by Loraw2000 (because I don’t yet know how to take a photo of my iPhone, with my iPhone)

Ok, I think I covered this topic, but doing work of any kind in a coffee shop is getting quite the buzz these days. So, let’s cover it again.

Does Working in a Coffee Shop Make Your Writing Better?

Well, it does for me, because I get to actually do it  for a while – hours, even. And the writer friends I meet there are all about business, let me tell you. We catch up, check up on one another’s work and progress, giggle a bit about our kids and our hilarious lives, and exchange advice – the whole time clicking away on our laptops.

After a few minutes, we aim our eyes at our screens and get down to work.

Destination: Laptopistan.

Um, yes. This is what I’ve been saying: There’s no laundry lurking in the bookstore or coffee shop. None that I have to do, anyway.

The Entrepreneur’s Guide to Coffee Shop Etiquette.

I especially agree with suggesting that phone-users step outside. Common courtesy, I say. But oh, not-so-common.

Do you have an out-of-office workplace? How does a coffee shop – or someplace similar – work for you?

 Flickr photo by Carbon NYC

The flowers have long wilted, and the glitter from you homemade card has probably been picked off by the baby.

So I won’t go into the part about how children really hit home what it means to show love and sacrifice, nor will I talk about how motherhood/parenthood is tough. ‘Cuz everybody knows.

I’m talkin’ about the day-to-day practical living skills that get us through, the juggling of The Neverending.

Flexibility

Not the kind that comes with yoga (though we’ve probably learned that, too). The kind that I know well when I started this post, initially titled, “The Day Week After Mother’s Day.” Blog didn’t take priority last month, so let’s get this in before Father’s Day is upon us.  

Cosmetic improvement

Forget The 5-minute Face. Real moms can do a 4-minute face, and I’ve mastered a 3-minute face, and a 2-minute face, alternating these looks – depending on the time I have and how late I slept past my (first) alarm. We know splashing on color and coverage, while slightly superficial, and not quite as newsworthy as the 4-minute mile, is still a highly useful skill.

Fast food

How to whip together a meal, and make it look like you really planned one, when you haven’t really planned one. Yanking cold veggies, lunch meats, cheeses, and fruits out of the refrigerator and laying out – buffet style – just like the sandwich bar at the trendy, family-friendly downtown restaurant, and those put-’em-together Lunchables they keep begging me to buy.

Cleanliness

Mommahood has also taught us that it’s okay to sift through the children’s dirty laundry and fluff up clothing in the dryer with a bit of special spray for no-clothing emergencies. Oh wait, we learned that in college.

Work ethic

Now, I’m not accusing anyone of being lazy, but what did you do before you had kids? I’m ashamed to think of all the free time I had. With children, we accomplish 87 things in a day simply because we have to. We have learned to make everything count, and hardly find any down time for reading or movies - the reason there is so much talk about that tiny slice in our pie graph of a day referred to as “me time.”

Tell me, please. What lessons have really learned from mommyhood?

 photo:  Daisy-Woman Juggling by Matthias Gelinski